To help you forget your every day problems and read how others put their
thoughts into words, these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

haha! that is fantastic
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Viva La TTFE!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.

The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
_________________
Viva La TTFE!

Apologies in advance!









After their recent cricket World Cup exit, Pakistan have taken up a new sport...


....bob-slaying.

hah! fair play!!
_________________
Viva La TTFE!

The owner of a hardware store was dismayed when a huge new hardware store opened up next door, erecting a large sign saying, 'Best Deals'. He was even more horrified when another huge hardware store opened up on the other side of his store with an even larger sign saying, 'Lowest Prices'. The shopkeeper was in a panic, but had a bright idea. He put a large sign over his own store saying, 'Main Entrance'.
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

Bob stood over his tee shot at the final hole of the Old Course at St Andrews. He stood for what seemed an eternity. He waggled his club, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the R & A clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You'll never hit her from here."
_________________
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, they said, and everyone was amazed at what he could do. Everyone except for Mr Smith, the town grouch. So Mr Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste anything, so what are you going to do about it?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
"Jar number 43?" Mr Smith wondered. The doctor brought the jar and told Mr Smith to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spat it out, "This is gross!" he shouted.
"I seem to have restored your sense of taste Mr Smith," said the doctor.
Mr. Smith went home very angry. A month later, he went back to the doctor with a new problem, "Doc," he said, "I've lost my memory. I can't remember anything."
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr Smith left town.
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

The secretary walked into her boss' office and announced, "I'm afraid I have bad news for you."
"Kelly", said the boss, "Why do you always bring me bad news? Try to be more positive."
"OK", she said. "The good news is you're not sterile..."
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

hahaha!

6 Englishmen and an Irishman were in a rape lineup. The victim walks in to the room and Paddy steps forward and says "Thats her, the miserable bitch!"
_________________
Viva La TTFE!

I saw a loaf of bread the other day and for a split-second, I thought it had your name on it. But I looked again and it said "Thick Cut"
_________________
Viva La TTFE!

An American couple were touring Wales and eventually ended up at the town of Llanelli. They puzzled between them how to pronounce the name, but could not make any sense of it. Eventually, when they stopped at a burger bar to refuel, the man said to the server: 'Say, how do you pronounce the name of this place?' After a brief pause and a look of some surprise, the server eventually replied: 'Mac-DON-alds'.

(That one was really really bad, sorry everyone)
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

A little boy wanted £100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00.
When Royal Mail received the letter to God they decided to send it to Tony Blair. The prime minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note. The prime minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 note and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through London, and Gordon Brown deducted £95.00 in taxes.
_________________
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

When I heard that the government's recommended limit for healthy drinking was 28 units of alcohol a week, I thought: "Hey, with a bit of effort, I can manage that!"
But then I realized that it was a maximum, not a minimum.
And that a unit was a glass, not a bottle.

(That must be the most terrible joke ever. Its not even funny)
_________________
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

The hot dog vendor was surprised when a robed Buddhist monk asked for one with everything on it.
"I thought you guys were vegetarians?" he commented.
"Just do it," snapped the monk, handing a $20 bill.
The vendor handed over the hot dog.
"Where's my change?" demanded the monk.
The vendor gave a serene smile and replied, "Change comes only from within."
_________________
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain