. .
Logo thursdayfootball.co.uk
"The Thursday Football Experience"
It's just a silly game that we play
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    thursdayfootball.co.uk Forum Index » General
. As promised...(joke thread) Go back
Author Message
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
Superman is flying on his way home after a good ol’ day of crime fighting and saving the world, but today he was feeling randy. When all of a sudden he saw wonder woman sunbathing naked on top of the empire state building. “Hmm” thinks superman “I could be in and out and over with before she even realises what’s going on.” He realises it’s a bad thing to do and after a while of battling with the idea he decides s*d it! And as fast as he can he swoops on top of her, does his thing and goes. It all takes less than ½ second. “Oh! “ says wonder woman “What was that?”

“I don’t know” says the invisible man “But my bum is killing me”
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A zoo keeper walks up to a young man who is there on work experience and says “Hiya derrick, got a question for you. The new panda is extremely frustrated as there are no male panda’s here. Would you, you know, do the deed with her for £500? Have a think about it and come back to me tomorrow”.

The next day Derrick approaches the zoo keeper and says “Alright, I’ll do it but only on 3 conditions. 1. I don’t kiss her. 2. None of my friends or family must ever find out and 3. I need a few weeks to come up with the money”
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
Order in court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you s exually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And ! in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, ! this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A husband says to his wife one day “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

His wife replied “Your cock is bigger than your brothers!”
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A man puts a poster up saying “£1000 to the first person who makes my horse laugh”. One guy comes up and says “I can make your horse, no probs”

“Alright” says the horses owner “you’re on.”

The man takes the horse into a room, and sure enough ten minutes later the horse comes out laughing his hooves off!

“That’s great!” says the man “Tell you what, another thousand if you can make him cry!”

“You’re on” says the guy. He takes the horse back into the room and sure enough, ten minutes later the horse comes out crying rivers. Impressed the man says “That’s wicked! How did you do it?”

“Well” says the man “To make him laugh I told him my member was bigger than his, to make him cry I showed him”
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A zookeeper sees three kids by the lion cage and asks their names and what they’re up to. The first boy says “My name is Tommy, and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.”

The second boy says “My names Colin and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.”

The third boy says “My name is Peanuts”
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Ice_Cold_Cola
2000+ posts
Joined: 18 Apr 2005
Posts: 2730
Location: Pentwyn
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the day's event over a couple of beers. One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it".

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. "No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and part. The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes upto the first groom to take his order "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess. The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have FOUR pieces of toast "The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw this old chap must be."Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why,that's an awful lot "Yes indeed young lady,
seven pieces of toast it is. "She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her
again..................

"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"
_________________
Statistical Genie

100% Attendance Record At TTFE 2010
Karlito82
250+ posts
Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 282
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
New secretary

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
Karlito82
250+ posts
Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 282
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
New study about women

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Karlito82
250+ posts
Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 282
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
Sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Karlito82
250+ posts
Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 282
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
That special rubber

A dude went into the drug store and asked to buy a rubber. The clerk told him he doesn't sell rubbers one at a time, he only sells packages of 6, 8 or 12. The dude asks why. The clerk said, "Well I don't make any money off these things but I carry them for my regular customers any way and that's how they buy them." The dude asks, "But why 6, 8 or 12?" The clerk said, "Well, those packs of six are for my Mexican customers. You know they do it six days a week and rest on the Sabbath." He asked, "What about the pack of eight?" The clerk said, "For my Black customers. You know they do it seven days a week and twice on Sunday." He asked, "And the packs of twelve?" The clerk said, "That's for my white customers. You know, January, February, March, ..................
Karlito82
250+ posts
Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 282
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
A very loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
cavedweller2000
500+ posts
Joined: 13 Nov 2005
Posts: 944
Location: Penarth!
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's!

Doctor: You can't say fairer than that then can you?
_________________
Viva La TTFE!
PRIDEE
100+ posts
Joined: 22 May 2005
Posts: 194
Location: Cardiff
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Post Post subject:
Whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme???
you cant hear an enzyme!!!
Paul
250+ posts
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
Posts: 295
spacer
Reply with quote View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Post Post subject:
you should all be ashamed of yourselves
Display posts from previous:   
.
.
.
Post new topic   Reply to topic    thursdayfootball.co.uk Forum Index » General All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next
Page 3 of 6

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Powered by phpBB - Copyright © 2002-2004 the phpBB Group

JustFooty phpBB Template v1.05 © 2004-2006 Jakob Persson / Tesseract Media (readme)
In cooperation with BeautifulGame.net football forum
.
. . .